my "real life" can wait: What Did You Get?

It’s Christmas time, that magical part of the year in which everyone (except me) gets to spend time with family and loved ones. Same old thing right? Well if so, then it's bound to happen that at least once or twice you are going to grit your teeth and pretend you’re not extremely disappointed in the gift you were given. In that spirit, here are 10 terrible gifts you’ll definitely get at least one of this Christmas.

The Ugly Sweater

Ugly sweaters are a Christmas staple. I don’t know where some people find them (is there a Bill Cosby section at Sears that I don’t know about?) but somehow it seems everyone gets at least one per every three Christmases. Oh look at this…dark brown stripes on haggard purple shag carpeting… just the fashion statement I was looking to make this winter! I certainly hope someone also got me a handkerchief on a stick and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, so they people on my hobo Christmas retreat won’t laugh at me this year.

That Thing From Brookstone That You Never Asked For But Someone Thought You Could Really Use

Oh boy, it’s that AM/FM clock radio/windshield de-icer/compass/air horn…thanks, Dad. You know how I love to wake the neighbors when I de-ice my windshield in the morning. And to think I’ve been doing it by throwing bricks though their windows all these years. This will save me a lot of time. And bricks! This is truly the gift that will keep on giving until I get taken away by the authorities for noise complaints. And I won’t get lost on my way to my car!

Something A Family Member Made

Oh isn’t that nice Aunt Ruth. You painted and framed a picture of my dead childhood dog, Freckles. No, that won’t make me wildly upset when I think about him getting hit by that car every time I walk by it…no I’m not crying about Freckles–I’m crying about this loving gesture. I need a minute….I miss you Freckles…No, no, Aunt Ruth, this’ll look great in the basement closet next to the and handmade wallet that you got me last Christmas.

Socks

You’d get a better response by digging through the cat’s liter box and wrapping things you find in there. Why? Seriously. I don’t care if they have little Santa’s on them. Even if they had naked Victoria’s Secret models making out on top of an igloo on them–no one wants to unwrap socks on Christmas morning.

Some Sort Of CD That You Didn’t Ask For

Thank You! I really wanted “Yanni Live: Playing the hits of Kenny G” cd. I’ll listen to it in the car on my way to work; that way, it’ll combine my three favorite things: bad hair, saxophones, and the fear of purposely committing vehicular homicide.

An Item From A Sports Team That You Don't Even Follow

Hey look, it’s a scarf. I didn’t even know Uganda had professional basketball. Wow. What language is that? Swahili? And such rich greens and blacks in the pattern…really, I don’t know if I want to wear this in public. I wouldn’t want someone to steal it from me.

Something That Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Body

Whether it’s someone getting you pants 10 sizes bigger than you wear and could probably second as a parachute because they heard you “gained a little weight” or getting a 6 month membership to 24 Hour Fitness to off-set the Foreman grill and $300 WORTH of Omaha Steaks; when people get exercise equipment they didn’t ask for, bad things happen. You ever seen a guy get a woman a treadmill for Christmas, when she thinks it’s something else? That’s when women start giving thing you can’t warp, like black eyes, and stop giving out…well, you know what they stop giving out…

That Awesome Thing You Wanted That Needs Batteries That You Don't Have

And nothing is open, so you can’t get more. Whether it’s a toy for the kids or that foot bath you got for the lady friend–nothing sucks the air out of a family room like realizing the thing you’ve been waiting to use for months is actually in your hands and worthless until the next day. I once got an Energizer Bunny for Christmas and we didn’t have any batteries to put in him to make him dance around. Ironic. Yes. Stupid thing to ask for? Indubitably. Did the Easter Bunny and I have words about his bunny brethren when I sat on his lap a few months later? Oh, there were words….

A Snuggie

Oh, you knew you were getting one ever since middle America saw it on The Today Show. It’s a blanket with freakin’ sleeves! I’m gonna blow my air horn and laugh when I see you wearing it as you walk out to get the morning paper. But, I better not see your dog wearing one cause you have a choice about looking like a goon, but that dog has to do his business out in public. A dog wrapped in a pink blanket dropping a load on the neighbor’s lawn just reflects poorly on both of you.

The Thing That You Really Needed But Didn’t Want To Buy Yourself