HMMM???

After dogsitting yesterday for the first time in a long time, it made me think of getting a dog. But the only problem is, I already have a girlfriend...time to weigh the pros and cons to having a girlfriend vs. having a dog...

1. Companionship
Dog is mans best friend, period. Regardless of what comes between you, your dog will always love you. Your dog won’t complain about you playing too many video games, and is perfectly content to simply lie on the floor and watch.   Your dog would never get jealous of another dog. In fact, your dog couldn’t be happier if you brought another dog into the relationship. Try that with your girlfriend, and you’d be lucky if she never brought your testicles into a relationship with her stilettos.

2. Tolerance
Regardless of whether or not they are, your dog and your girlfriend react differently when referred to as a bitch. Your dog, on the one hand, doesn’t get upset or offended when referred to as such. Your girlfriend, however, will remind you whose balls she keeps in a glass vase on her night stand. Your dog doesn’t care if you fart at the table, in the car, or in the shower. If you don’t want to feel your dogs breath on your neck because it makes you feel all weird and shit at night, one word, “Down” and he’s awake and out of bed. Plus, if you want him back IN the bed (for the love of God not for the same reason as your girlfriend), you give the mattress a quick pat, one word, “Up” and he’s in.

3. Forgiveness
If you were to anger your girlfriend about something, perhaps you didn’t notice a new haircut, stepped on her shoes, or accidentally peed on her in the shower (it happens, we know), forgiveness will certainly be difficult to obtain. It can range anywhere from a ’sorry I peed on you in the shower’ card from Hallmark, to a home cooked meal, to a $300 dinner at Fogo De Chao. Either way, it can be too damn expensive. (More expensive than a first date to get you into the same place with someone else, at least). And your dog? Say you accidentally dropped a log on him while working around the house. What’s he need? Whatever is left on your plate when you’re done eating, or a 36 cent dog biscuit. Cheap as dirt (almost).

4. Jealousy
Let’s face it; you absolutely love your dog. You’re pretty sure you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend. If you bring your girlfriend over to your place, your dog is elated to meet her, the woman who brings happiness into your life. Your dog is bounding with excitement, licking her all over. If you bring your dog over to your girlfriend’s place, there is absolutely no reciprocation. “That mutt is NOT coming in my house.” Then, because you momentarily forget the ‘Bros before Hoes’ clause, your dog patiently waits outside all night, chained to the porch, while you get your busy on. Then, when you come out, he acts like it never happened, because he is that happy to see you.

5. Exercise buddy
Finding the perfect workout partner isn’t easy.  Regardless of how you’re feeling that day, your good ol’ buddy will always slow down or speed up to match your pace and stay right beside you, your motivator.  And then there’s your girlfriend. Let’s face it: as soon as she knows she’s got you hooked, she stops trying. And before that, if you somehow convince her to go running with you, you are expected to slow down, speed up, take breaks with her at her pace etc.

6. Wingman
Your dog is a wingman, the second best wingman in the world. The absolute best is a baby or a child, but that throws women off too, because being a father is a turn off to many (except the ones with those very sexy daddy issues aka strippers). He’ll walk right up to a gorgeous woman, sniff her, lick her, and all you have to do, you stud you, is go running up to her and say “I’m sorry, he must’ve got away from me, the rascal” and start playing with him. Chances are above awesome that she’ll join in, you two will strike up a conversation, and wherever the day goes from there relies solely on you’re A-game. Your girlfriend is the worst wingman possible. And that’s a given. There’s no explanation necessary. But, because we like to go the extra mile, here’s why; if you’re walking in the park, and your eyes dart anywhere, for a mere millisecond, away from either the ground or the woman you are with, you’ll get a slap upside the head and a “Which one, huh? Which WHORE is it you’re looking at now!?”

And finally, the reason your girlfriend is better:

It’s the reason you left your ever loyal wingman outside all those nights… Like it or not, bestiality is a crime. You can do things with her that you can’t legally (or without losing your lunch, dignity, and social status as anything above sheep-porker) do with your dog. Besides, she’s hotter.

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