Friday, February 6, 2009

Cheeseburger Eddie

"If you had to name someone famous that I look like who would it be?" My girlfriend asked me that question one time and I honestly spent 45 minutes trying to come up with the "correct" answer. She kept telling me "it's not meant to be a hard question, just be honest." But for me it was damn near impossible. I mean, what if I say someone she thinks is ugly, I'm in trouble. And don't let me dare say someone that I think is prettier than her, because then I'll be in trouble again. I could just pick the her favorite celebrity, although the similarities are minimal, but then she'll know I tried to take the easy way out and I'll be in trouble yet again. Therefore, I did the only thing I could, I broke it down into the perfect answer, you have the eyes of (insert person with prettiest eyes), you have the smile of (insert person with the most beautiful smile) etc. etc. "But there is no one as beautiful as you."

Now when it comes to me, I've heard EVERY answer in the world. Real people: Lebron James, Ne-Yo, Denzel Washington and Eddy Curry. Make-believe people: The Incredible Hulk, X-Men'sThe Juggernaut, Street Fighter's Balrog and Mortal Kombat's Jax. The list doesn't stop. But my two all time favorite would have to be Deebo and Damon from the "Friday" Movie Series. And although my personality doesn't really coincide with either character, the actor that played Damon (Terry Crews) does have one character that I cannot help but to be associated with. In the movie, The Longest Yard, Terry Crews plays an inmate nicknamed Cheeseburger Eddie. He's the one guy in the prison that has the McDonald's connection and, somehow, always has a cheeseburger in his possession. This is a montage of his funniest clips.

So last season, after seeing the damage I would occasionally do to a Mazzoni Puten Schnitzel, a teammate bet that I couldn't eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite. Unfortunately for my teammate (whose name will be omitted), this video will go to show that it can be done.

But my purpose behind this video was just to consume it in one bite, I wasn't going for time at all…although as you can see it only took me 22 seconds to finish. But almost as soon as this video hit the internet I started to receive a countless number of "challengers" calling me out.

What may go unnoticed is that Thanos, a dentist here in Gottingen, started the clock a good six seconds after he first started eating the burger. If you add that to the thirteen that showed up on his stopclock before he put the French Fries in his mouth (although I think he still had some burger in there) he barely beat me. But rather than going back and forth with these YouTube battles I figured I'd let him have his glory until we could go face-to-face and have an "eat-off." Now, I'll give him the fact that he can clean teeth better than I can, he can definitely speak German better than I can, and his 3 point shot may be better than mine (although I'd be willing to challenge him in that too). But a burger eating contest? Seriously? Well Thanos was barking up the wrong tree for long enough, and now it was time to answer. After a big victory on the road in Dusseldorf and a stop at McDonald's on the way home, the stage was set.

A team manager (with the money), a crew of management, three coaches, eleven teammates, fourteen Mickey D's workers, and sixteen other McDonald's patrons were all there to witness this epic battle. The two cheeseburgers were purchase and Thanos and I took our seats across from each other. After a brief review of the rules (must consume burger in one bite and first one with an empty mouth wins) a countdown was started 3...2...1...Los Gehts

I was a bit nervous that the first person to get the burger in their mouth was going to have the advantage but as I easily made my burger disappear first, the dehydration from the game made it almost impossible to chew and swallow. Luckily, a stumble for Thanos on the initial bite caused a laugh that hindered his first attempt at swallowing too. Once I knew we were back even I just tried to keep chewing bit by bit and swallow every chance I could (pause). Looking Thanos dead in his eye, I could tell he was having more trouble than I was and once I knew I was going to finish first, I gave him the same look I had given Brant Bailey about an hour earlier. You know that, no matter what you do you cannot win, look. So as I slammed my fist on the table in victory and the 30 people standing around us in the Fight Club circle started to cheer, I felt I had nothing more to prove.

The best part of all of this is the newly invented "Jason Boone Big Cheese" at the Gottingen University Campus Cafe. For a limited time only, the cheeseburgers sold at the main food court in our town are going to be named after me. How cool is that?

What's Playing in Jason's iPod: Weird Al Yankovich- Trapped in the Drive Thru

All this cheeseburger talk, besides making me hungry, always reminds me of this song. The hilarious spoof on my beloved Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout the entire 11 minutes of the song. I want to spoil the ending so bad right now, but the next time you have 11 minutes to kill, go ahead and listen to that one, especially if you ever heard that R. Kelly musical soap opera.

YouTube Video of the Week: If you clicked on the links during this email like you were supposed to then you should be all YouTubed out by now. But if you aren't then go ahead and watch Trapped in the Drive Thru

German Phrase of the Week: Los/Auf Gehts- Let's Go

Truthfully, I don't like this phrase because it's synonomous with all types of running at practice. "Get on the Line...Los Gehts" "Everyone get a ball behind the baseline...Dribble Suicide...Auf Gehts" But it's a simple phrase that is used quite often, and although my legs are sore and I'm out of breath just from writing this, I have to hurry up and finish because it's time to go....Los Gehts!

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