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Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Official 2009 Anthem

The top 25 billboard toppers mashed up into one song? Surprisingly it doesn’t sound like a pile of shit either.

Blame It On The Pop

 
--From College Humor

Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Pop Bottles


The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college I was at my parents' house watching the news with my mom...pretty cool huh? But check it, I remember this vividly, they were playing tricks on party go-ers and filling up Grey Goose bottles with bottom shelf vodka and seeing if people could taste the difference. Being the liquor connoisseur I am, I'm aware of the different effects a night of drinking top shelf liquor and bottom shelf liquor will have on your morning. But to be honest, with mixers it'd probably be hard to tell the difference, especially after the 5th drink. It'd be nice if you could get Grey Goose for Georgi prices but we don't all live in France...f*ck the French. Just kidding.


Anyway, for as cheap as I am, I have some friends who can vouch for the random nights of popping bottles I've been apart of. I think it comes with the whole facade of playing a professional sports, I definitely don't party like a broke college kid anymore. The things I dreamed about in college (VIP and Groupies) are somewhat a reality these days. Even if the groupies look like these women during the day...


and these women at night...



I'm getting away from the point though...sometimes the guys out here just have an urge to do something for sh*ts and giggles...and we never know when that night is going to be.

We've popped bottles of Rose before seeing a live sex show in Hamburg. We've popped Cristal at a lounge with 5 people in it. And we've popped Moet (after popping Alba) in Berlin. Sometimes there is nothing to celebrate and no one to show off to and sometimes there are. But it's something we feel we need to do. I always thought the first time I popped a $300 bottle of champagne, it'd be New Years in a packed club with women hanging all over me. Once again, the difference between playing in the NBA and the life of a struggling overseas baller...but hey...I wouldn't trade it for the world...

The only 5 lines I can think of where rappers talk about Cristal are as follows...

"Drink the Cristal at the same time
Get intoxicated till we lose are minds
The crowd seperated as we start to shine
I lift you in the air your skirt starts to climb" 

Imagine That--LL Cool J



"Skip the wine and the candlelight, no Cristal tonight
If its alright with you, we fuckin (that's cool)
Deja vu, the blunts sparked, finger fuckin in the park
Pissy off Bacardi Dark" 

F*cking You Tonight--Notorious BIG ft. R.Kelly



"Ya'll don't even know the name of my fleet
It was +Touch Me, Tease Me+ when +Case+ was the shit
You don't know bout the cases I get
Court case, briefcase, suitcase, cases of Cris...Ow"

Down & Out--Cam'Ron ft. Kanye West



"Father, father, and hey I love gold
But can buy anything I want from the records I've sold
Jacuzzi's hot, Cristal is so cold
Neighbors catch contacts, from the blunts that I've rolled"

Number One Spot--Ludacris


"Fuck Cristal, so they ask me what we drinking
I thought dudes remark was rude okay
So I moved on to Dom, Krug Rosé"

Kingdom Come--Jay Z



That Cristal was popped on a random Tuesday night...so I can't wait to see what goes down on New Years?
...Stay tuned and...


BE SAFE TONIGHT


Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

MEG Gottingen vs. Alba Berlin 86-82










ALBA BERLIN (Coach: Pavicevic, Luka)

Field Goals
Rebounds

#
Name
min
2pm-a
3pm-a
ftm-a
off
def
tot
ast
pf
st
bs
pts
11
Jenkins, Julius
33
1-2
4-10
4-4
3
1
4
4
4
0
0
18
8
Dojcin, Dragan
31
2-2
0-2
0-0
0
3
3
4
2
0
0
4
23
McElroy, Immanuel
30
4-9
1-3
1-1
4
6
10
3
2
1
0
12
12
Wright, Rashad
26
2-4
2-7
2-2
1
1
2
5
4
1
0
12
10
Sekulic, Blagota
17
4-5
0-0
4-5
0
0
0
0
3
0
2
12
14
Chubb, Adam
21
4-6
0-0
5-9
0
0
0
0
2
1
0
13
4
Byars, Derrick
16
2-3
1-3
2-3
1
2
3
0
0
0
0
9
6
Hamann, Steffen
13
0-0
0-0
2-2
0
1
1
2
4
0
0
2
9
Golemac, Jurica
8
0-2
0-1
0-2
1
0
1
2
0
1
0
0
7
Zwiener, Philip
 DNP - Coach's Decision
16
Seiferth, Andreas
 DNP - Coach's Decision
19
Fassler, Oskar
 DNP - Coach's Decision

Total

19-33
8-26
20-28
10
14
24
20
21
4
2
82





MEG GOETTINGEN (Coach: Patrick, John)

Field Goals
Rebounds

#
Name
min
2pm-a
3pm-a
ftm-a
off
def
tot
ast
pf
st
bs
pts
22
Anderson, Dwayne
31
7-10
1-5
1-2
4
1
5
1
1
1
1
18
23
Oliver, Chris
31
3-8
1-3
1-2
2
7
9
3
1
0
0
10
11
Little, John
28
3-4
1-3
2-3
0
3
3
1
3
0
0
11
12
Jacobson, Ben
28
1-4
1-3
2-2
2
2
4
2
3
0
0
7
21
Boone, Jason
23
3-4
0-0
0-0
4
4
8
0
5
1
0
6
10
Rochestie, Taylor
23
1-4
4-7
9-10
1
1
2
5
3
2
0
23
5
Kulawick, Robert
9
0-0
1-2
0-0
0
1
1
0
1
1
0
3
13
Frazier, Chester
8
1-2
0-0
0-0
2
0
2
0
3
0
0
2
15
Meeks, Michael
8
1-1
0-1
0-0
1
2
3
0
1
0
0
2
7
McNaughton, Christopher
6
2-3
0-0
0-0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
4
8
Welzel, Tobias
 DNP - Coach's Decision
33
Toppert, Cody
 DNP - Coach's Decision

Total

22-40
9-24
15-19
16
21
37
12
21
5
1
86



Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Is Santa Real?

I swear I'm done with this "hating on the holiday season" after today but I've been doing some calculations and I'm going to just say it...SANTA IS NOT REAL...OR NOT ALIVE...follow me here...




1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,
hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of my calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us
must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.




4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Titanic

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.




Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Favorite Christmas Joke & Poem

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.










'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.





Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Why A Christmas Tree...

Due to the circumstances this year, I don't have a Christmas Tree, but I was thinking of some reasons why a Christmas tree would be better than a girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter).


Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better...




 ...Than a Woman...

A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.





...Than A Man...
 
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.



Why are the lists for women always better? 




Do What You Do       Hallelujah Hollaback       ...blackhercules21...

Monday, December 28, 2009

I Wasn't The Only One Drunk On Christmas

This holiday season I opted for the Jaegermeister over the Eggnog, but seems like I wasn't the only one.
You know things are bad when Santa can't even stay sober.



And always remember never to drink and derive


All my friends who used to copy my math homework should know how bad I want this T-Shirt


Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

I Was Drunk On Christmas

And by "I" I mean the guy who sings the song at the end of this blog post. We had to go beat Alba the day after Christmas so no drinks for me (until after the game).

But anyway, back to the blog...even though this picture sums up how I would have liked to spend my Christmas, I don't think my aim is good enough to hit Santa and all eight reindeer.


And I wouldn't need to because Santa is either made up or dead (blog for a later date) and Rudolph already took care of the other eight.


So I didn't kill any bucks last night (although that Turdurkey-Fried-Bacon-Bambi-Man-Steak looked pretty damn good) but you can still call me the Jagermeister aka Master Hunter (in German) for reasons I won't go into. By this point, due to the circumstances, you know my 2009 Christmas wasn't all it was chopped up to be. Knowing that going in, it's been a relief to poke fun at Christmas over the past couple of days. With this video, I realized that things can always be worse...


Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Celebrate Christmas Like A Man

Due to the circumstances I didn't celebrate Christmas this year but if I did it would've, been with a whole bunch of guys (my teammates) and we would've spent it like MEN


When I was young and immature I used to laugh because they said gay in this song, now that I'm older and immature I still laugh because they say gay in this song...they say holly too


For those of you who were my facebook friend back in '07 you may remember this picture but for everyone else I figured I'd include my favorite Santa picture ever

Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Wait wait...what did you get?

Eight Gifts Guaranteed To Collect Dust After Christmas Day




We all give or receive Christmas gifts, year after year, that will ultimately be used one or two times before getting boxed up and banished to the attic to collect dust for eternity. Many of these items flood Ebay after every Christmas, or show up at a garage sale in the spring so they can collect dust at someone else’s house. Some people will even try to exchange them, even though they’re now not only USED pieces of crap, but there’s technically nothing wrong with them to begin with. It’s not that we don’t like these gifts or the thoughtfulness behind them — quite the opposite in in fact — we’re excited about these presents. Unfortunately that excitement wears off the moment they start becoming a pain in the ass to use or clean. This usually happens before we ring in the new year.


Breadmaker

breadmaker
Banana bread is awesome for a couple days. Beyond that, this thing is just going to take up counter space in the kitchen. You’re not going to bake your own bread every day, no matter how easy it might be with an automatic breadmaker. Don’t kid yourself.


Disc Washer/ Scratch Repair Thing

disc repair
Do these even work? And can’t you just wash a disc with dish soap or rub it with a little Brasso or toothpaste to fix it anyway?


Fondue Set

fondue
Oh yay, fondue. We love chocolate fountains and melted cheese. Have you ever tried to clean one of these things? Even Goodwill is going to give you dirty looks if you try to donate this thing. Box it up immediately.


Any Board Game

board games
After all the Christmas get-togethers are over, who’s going to have the time to sit around and play these games? It’s also almost a guarantee that some of the many game pieces will be immediately lost. It’s back to the normal grind on January 2 and what’s left of the board games will be shuttled up to the attic with the holiday decorations.


Miscellaneous Organizers

organizers
We usually get these from well meaning relatives who want us to get our shit together. It’s not happening. It didn’t last year, or the year before and it’s not likely to at any point in the future unless they also want to hire you a maid to clean and put the organizer to use — and to reorganize for you after you clutter things up again.

 

 Keyboard Vac

keyboard vac
Okay, these things are ridiculous pieces of shit, but nobody really knows that until after they buy them. A really clean keyboard is nice, but these things have less sucking power than your best friend’s sister, and it’s easier to just flip your keyboard or laptop over and beat the back of it than to try to get a keyboard vac to extract even the tiniest particle from it. Take our word for it. These don’t usually get the chance to collect dust though, at least mine didn’t. It went straight into the garbage.
 

Foot Spa

foot spa
I have several in my attic, and a couple more are in my mom’s attic. It’s not exactly fun lugging water into the living room to put into one of these things — not to mention lugging the thing full of feetwater to the bathroom to dump it when you’re done. Additionally, the noises made by your foot spa are usually about as relaxing as listening to your roommate’s stomach problems after a long night of partying.

 

Chair Massager

chair massager
These are loud and annoying unless you spend $300 on one, and even then it’s pretty iffy. Massages may feel great, but when you’re being kneaded by a robotic chair mat, don’t count on it hitting just the right spots like an actual person might. Instead, just go see the girls over at Madam Camae’s Filipino Palace.



Do What You Do       Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

What Did You Get?

terrible-gifts
It’s Christmas time, that magical part of the year in which everyone (except me) gets to spend time with family and loved ones. Same old thing right? Well if so, then it's bound to happen that at least once or twice you are going to grit your teeth and pretend you’re not extremely disappointed in the gift you were given. In that spirit, here are 10 terrible gifts you’ll definitely get at least one of this Christmas.





The Ugly Sweater


hot-pink-holiday-christmas-sweater

Ugly sweaters are a Christmas staple. I don’t know where some people find them (is there a Bill Cosby section at Sears that I don’t know about?) but somehow it seems everyone gets at least one per every three Christmases. Oh look at this…dark brown stripes on haggard purple shag carpeting… just the fashion statement I was looking to make this winter! I certainly hope someone also got me a handkerchief on a stick and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, so they people on my hobo Christmas retreat won’t laugh at me this year.


That Thing From Brookstone That You Never Asked For But Someone Thought You Could Really Use

watch storage

Oh boy, it’s that AM/FM clock radio/windshield de-icer/compass/air horn…thanks, Dad. You know how I love to wake the neighbors when I de-ice my windshield in the morning. And to think I’ve been doing it by throwing bricks though their windows all these years. This will save me a lot of time. And bricks! This is truly the gift that will keep on giving until I get taken away by the authorities for noise complaints. And I won’t get lost on my way to my car!


Something A Family Member Made


bunny-suit1

Oh isn’t that nice Aunt Ruth. You painted and framed a picture of my dead childhood dog, Freckles. No, that won’t make me wildly upset when I think about him getting hit by that car every time I walk by it…no I’m not crying about Freckles–I’m crying about this loving gesture. I need a minute….I miss you Freckles…No, no, Aunt Ruth, this’ll look great in the basement closet next to the and handmade wallet that you got me last Christmas.


Socks

ugly socks

You’d get a better response by digging through the cat’s liter box and wrapping things you find in there. Why? Seriously. I don’t care if they have little Santa’s on them. Even if they had naked Victoria’s Secret models making out on top of an igloo on them–no one wants to unwrap socks on Christmas morning.


Some Sort Of CD That You Didn’t Ask For

cd you didn't want

Thank You! I really wanted “Yanni Live: Playing the hits of Kenny G” cd. I’ll listen to it in the car on my way to work; that way, it’ll combine my three favorite things: bad hair, saxophones, and the fear of purposely committing vehicular homicide.


An Item From A Sports Team That You Don't Even Follow

sports item for team you don't follow

Hey look, it’s a scarf. I didn’t even know Uganda had professional basketball. Wow. What language is that? Swahili? And such rich greens and blacks in the pattern…really, I don’t know if I want to wear this in public. I wouldn’t want someone to steal it from me.


Something That Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Body

treadmills

Whether it’s someone getting you pants 10 sizes bigger than you wear and could probably second as a parachute because they heard you “gained a little weight” or getting a 6 month membership to 24 Hour Fitness to off-set the Foreman grill and $300 WORTH of Omaha Steaks; when people get exercise equipment they didn’t ask for, bad things happen. You ever seen a guy get a woman a treadmill for Christmas, when she thinks it’s something else? That’s when women start giving thing you can’t warp, like black eyes, and stop giving out…well, you know what they stop giving out…


That Awesome Thing You Wanted That Needs Batteries That You Don't Have

6524-000790

And nothing is open, so you can’t get more. Whether it’s a toy for the kids or that foot bath you got for the lady friend–nothing sucks the air out of a family room like realizing the thing you’ve been waiting to use for months is actually in your hands and worthless until the next day. I once got an Energizer Bunny for Christmas and we didn’t have any batteries to put in him to make him dance around. Ironic. Yes. Stupid thing to ask for? Indubitably. Did the Easter Bunny and I have words about his bunny brethren when I sat on his lap a few months later? Oh, there were words….


A Snuggie

snuggie

Oh, you knew you were getting one ever since middle America saw it on The Today Show. It’s a blanket with freakin’ sleeves! I’m gonna blow my air horn and laugh when I see you wearing it as you walk out to get the morning paper. But, I better not see your dog wearing one cause you have a choice about looking like a goon, but that dog has to do his business out in public. A dog wrapped in a pink blanket dropping a load on the neighbor’s lawn just reflects poorly on both of you.


The Thing That You Really Needed But Didn’t Want To Buy Yourself

pp_giftcard


Awesome…it’s not loaded is it?


Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Christmas...Not What It Used To Be


So Christmas day has come and gone...and lemme guess, it's not what it used to be is it? Due to the circumstances I can’t help but take a sentimental look at how much we (yes you too) have changed when it comes to this holiday.  Don’t get me wrong, Christmas is still cool, but it’s more like a “Free Meal” type of cool. If you’re celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanzaa this will apply to you as well. Simply note how much more you spend on gifts as you get older, while observing how the gifts you receive start to suck more.

In either case...Have a Merry Holiday...I can't say that can I???

Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

Friday, December 25, 2009

Homey Don't Play That

 There aren't too many other things that can put a frown on your face faster than spending the Holidays alone. Unless you are the Grinch.


But even though my circumstances aren't exactly what I'd call the perfect holiday season, it's still good to know there are other people out there who are enjoying them as little as I am...and he's a clown...imagine that




Do What You Do      Hallelujah Hollaback     ...blackhercules21...

Don't Ruin Christmas

 based on an article by Jenni Maier (good looks girl)


Christmas, like Thanksgiving, offers families a wonderful opportunity to come together and celebrate a good year over a great meal — or so the movies claim. But if you’re sitting in your childhood bedroom, surrounded by honorable mention trophies you forbid your parent to throw out, and wondering how you can turn this routine holiday into something memorable, then you’ve found the right list. Hallmark holidays are highly overrated anyways. Due to the circumstances, I'll be spending my Christmas with a bunch of guys who have to come to learn a lot about me over the past 5+ months...so I have nothing to worry about...you guys on the other hand...well let's just get the list started



1. Announce an Illegitimate Child
babyonblanketDid a spring break fling from six years ago recently call to inform you that owe back child-support payment for a son you never even knew existed? Were you freaked out last week when you spotted you very pregnant ex-girlfriend that you hadn’t seen in nine months. Make your family freak out even more than you did by bringing up the your child at the dinner table. Challenge yourself to slip it in as casually as possible into conversation with smooth transitions like “Please pass along the stuffing as well as any other advice you would give to a new father.”


2. Develop a Dietary Restriction
tofurkeyThere’s nothing more obnoxious than someone who chooses to live by a pointless dietary restriction. Hence, becoming a vegetarian (vegan if you want to go all out) is a phenomenal way to put stress on the people cooking as well as dominate the dinner conversation by continuously inserting fun facts about how a turkey farm operates or how this Christmas Ham will kill you. Make sure that you insist there be plenty of meatless options and don’t be shy about throwing a fit if the someone mixes up the real gravy with the tofurkey gravy.


3. Label everything in your grandparents house that you want when they die
grandparentsDon’t beat around the bush and act like your grandparents are going to live forever. Be proactive and save the family trouble when the time comes by going through their house and labeling everything you want them to leave you. There’s no more practical way to furnish a future apartment than by staking your claims to dusty furniture in the attic, your grandparents new HD TV that some salesman insisted they need, and their prescription drugs that will sell best on a college campus. Kids these days will do anything for prostate swelling meds. At least I know I would.


4. Bring up politics and abortion
e4c40230-d07c-c2af-5fe8-7bfaf7421451-ontv_fb_btb_ep106_fightingJust when every one’s getting along perfectly and complimenting your cousin on how good she looks after she got her second round of adult braces removed, bring up everything controversial that you know about. Keep blurting out key words abortion, republicans, Nancy Pelosi, rap music, healthcare reform and Tiger Woods until someone takes your bait and starts yelling about it. No matter what your true thoughts are on the matter, it’s extremely important that you take the opposite viewpoint of whoever seems the most eager to fight. Your uncle thinks immigrants should be citizens before they work here, well then you think we should all give up our homes to immigrants and pass a law saying they’re the only ones that can run for president.


5. Start telling family secrets
oxoDM1908_468x347Did your sister fail out of law school but still pretends to be enrolled so she can cash your parents tuition checks? Great fun fact. Did your cousin join a sex commune while he was abroad? Perfect story to share. Take advantage of every conversation lull by throwing out a family secret and seeing what happens next. This is also a useful trick to use when someone draws attention to your flaws. Simply ignore your grandfather’s repetitive comments about you not being able to hold down a "real job" by telling everyone about the time you logged onto your dad’s computer and accidentally found his porn stash.


6. Yell at annoying young relatives
6a00d83451c49869e200e54f9062d78833-800wiTrying to watch the Kobe v. LeBron over the yelling, fighting, and laughter of young relatives can be extremely frustrating and detrimental to your game-watching ability. Take this as an opportunity to do the disciplining that their parents clearly never took the time to do. Make sure to be firm, yet gentle by padding each curse word and violent threat with Kris Kringle imagery that won’t completely spoil their image of you. Try starting out with I’m going to beat the cranberry stuffing out of you if you don’t shut the f*ck up.


7. Get drunk
crazy-drunk-man-1The easiest and most enjoyable way to ruin Christmas is to get excessively drunk as soon as possible. This will not only help you relax during the day and feel less self-conscious when eating the entire apple pie by yourself, but it will also guarantee that you will get the most attention. Family members will gather in quiet corners and wonder how long you’ve been an alcoholic while small children will be forced to stay away from your bad influence. Especially if you explain to them why Santa is not real (that blog is coming later). While this tactic will guarantee that you have the best Christmas ever, it will also make your invitation to Easter dinner very questionable.


Happy Christmas...that's wrong, right??

Do What You Do       Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...