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Saturday, November 21, 2009

I Wannabe I Wannabe Like...

Edward Cullen?? Who the f*ck is that? It’s OK, you can admit it. I know you don’t always pay attention to everything your girlfriend says (she talks a lot), but there's one topic you can’t help but notice. She seems to talk a lot -- in those nauseating gushing tones no less -- about this Edward Cullen guy. Yup the dude from that Twilight movie nonsense, but why is your girlfriend acting like a groupie? With the release of the second movie in the series (and the consequent two-hour torture you know you’ll be forced to endure right there with it), I'm gonna school you as to why any boyfriend should look to be more like Edward

First off, Who Is Edward Anyway?

In short, Edward is every woman’s fantasy. He's handsome (pause), he’s got a rock-hard body (pause), he’s wealthy, he’s smart, he’s articulate, and he’s kind. He’s perfect -- except for one little problem. He’s a vampire and desperately desires the blood of that whore from Adventureland

Of course you’re thinking, “So what? I don’t get it. Why do women love this guy so much?” I was the same way but I've finally realized that this Edward guy is the real deal...and here's why...the superficial things listed above aren’t really it. The real reasons women love Edward go much deeper, and are things you can do even better than him.

Trust me fellas...listen up



Edward chooses Bella

In the story, the characters are in high school. Edward could have easily had his choice of any of the girls in school, even the ones deemed absolutely perfect by anyone’s standards. The prom queen, captain of the cheerleader squad or my choice (his sister) but Bella is a typical girl and only sees her shortcomings (sound familiar?). She doesn’t think she is in his league, yet for some reason, one she can’t quite figure out, Edward chooses to be with her.

Be even better than Edward: Make sure she knows you chose her. This is not to say you want to flaunt your desirability in her face (chances are she, like Bella, is well aware), but rather ensure she knows you chose her. No girl wants to think you settled with her or that you’re only with her because there’s no one better right now. She wants to feel special, so let her know that even if you were given any option in the world you’d still choose her.

Edward sacrifices his own comfort to be with Bella

Vampires drink human blood, Bella is awfully tempting, but he denies his thirst to be with her.

Be even better than Edward:
Do a little sacrificing of your own. Women think it’s romantic when you willingly (key word is "willingly") give up something for her. It can be something as simple as skipping your typical game night ritual with your buddies to run errands with her, or something more significant such as going to visit her family over the holidays. This sometimes is the hardest thing to do.

Edward has impeccable manners

Edward is always polite and shows proper respect to everyone -- his family, his teachers, even his enemies, and especially the important people in Bella’s life.

Be even better than Edward: Be a little old-fashioned yourself. Always do the basic chivalrous things your dad taught you: open her doors, help her with her jacket, pull out her chair, walk closest to the street, etc. And don’t do this only for her, but for all women. Show respect not just to your girl, but to the important people in your life and hers. Dave Chappelle said "chivalry is dead and women killed it" but make the attempt fellas...it'll go a long way.

Edward is a total contradiction

He is a vampire. He should be sadistic and feast on humans. Instead, he is incredibly kind and subsists on the blood of animals to remain humane. Bottom line: he just isn’t what he appears.

Be even better than Edward: Be unpredictable and surprise her. If you’re a manly man who's into the stereotypical guy things, surprise her by developing a domestic hobby such as cooking, or suggesting (and actually enjoying) the occasional chick flick. If you’re a really athletic guy, be a contradiction by suggesting the two of you take dance classes or piano lessons. If you’re not a man of many words, surprise her by expressing yourself through a heartfelt, handwritten letter. Get it? The point is to illustrate you aren’t all that you seem either.


Channel your inner Edward

Now you have almost enough background to carry on an intelligent conversation with her about Edward (OK, maybe not, and you probably don’t want to, but at least now you know what she’s talking about). Practice a few of these tricks and you will never have to wonder when you’re together if she’s thinking about Edward instead of you.


Sidenote, I am not going to see New Moon because I had a girlfriend who read all the books and told me what happened, plus it's not out here yet and I have too much pride to ask a teammate to go with me...but I do hope one day that I could be more like an Edward Cullen...oh man that hurt to say

Do What You Do       Hallelujah Hollaback      ...blackhercules21...

5 comments:

  1. lol, Dr. Phil...is that you!?

    Well said Boonie, well said.

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  2. I almost died too. I thought you weren't gay.

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  3. HAHA OMG I LOVE IT!
    I hope that all men take your suggestions very seriously. I think everyone should have a lil more edward cullen in them! Mark, my wonderful fiance, has become my very own Edward Cullen and i LOVE IT. I know that he probably gets annouyed with my very real addiction to Edward, but he has taken it like a man and he is very sweet for puting up with my delusional obsession with not only Edward Cullen but Robert Pattinson aswell! Women love edward for all of those many reasons you just pointed out but I have to say that the heartbreakingly beautiful part of Edward doesnt hurt tho hahaha!

    Nice Post Jason! you better watch out your gunna get a bootleg dvd of Twilight and New Moon in the mail as soon as i get back to new york!
    Happy Thanksgiving!
    Laura C

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